You pick the adjective you want to use. You can probably add some different ones of your own. For me, it's been a combination of the above. And yet, I still continue to peacefully drift (for that's what it feels I'm doing) through jam-packed, full-to-the-brim, how-will-I-get-it-all-done days.
How is that possible? I don't know. I look at my life from an external point of view and I think, "I'm crazy-busy." Yet inside me there's this laid back peace saying, "It'll all work out" that is nothing short of phenomenal.
It's been like this since November, I think. After all the years of finding deeper peace and trust, I've somehow been carried into a level of something that is even more profound. Something that I can't help marveling at. Something that I find hard to quantify and describe.
But this morning I was thinking about something else. I have also had quite a few people these last few months tell me something that indicated that I had made a difference in their lives that day somehow. People at work. People at the nursing homes. People who are thanking me for how I made them feel rather than thanking me for the actual thing I did. For me, this is very, very remarkable. I feel like an outsider looking in on my life, to a great extent, when I think about this, just because it's so not me.
Is there a connection? I'm thinking so. I'm thinking this even-more-profound peace and trust is flowing out of me, and that is really what they are thanking me for sharing. Him. My Savior. He is making them feel more encouraged and more happy and like they can do it. But they either don't recognize it for what it really is or they don't know how to describe it any more than I do, so they just thank me.
I think this because this morning, as I lay there in bed praying, I found myself not so much praying but simply marveling in the greatness and awesomeness of God. Yeah, I have another crazy-busy day today, but instead of thinking about that, I was day-dreaming about the perfectness of my Savior. I thought about the day that will someday arrive when I'll get to see Him face-to-face. Except we won't just see Him, we'll experience Him, for He's the All-Consuming One. And because He is that, I thought about how many people will shake and tremble in terror at being face-to-face with a perfect God who sees and knows everything and consumes them... and yet I find in myself is this longing and excitement and eagerness to have my mind blown and my spirit totally overwhelmed by His greatness and beauty and perfectness. I know that, in that moment of actually being in His presence that way, I will find the absolute, complete and perfect fulfillment of everything I was meant to be. The most life-changing and awe-inspiring moments and revelations I've had on earth are mere shadows of what that moment will be like.
And it will all be because of who He is and the fact that I've chosen to seek Him. Nothing more and nothing less, for everything has followed that heart-choice.
But the more little bits of Him that He shows me now, the more those little bits overwhelm more of the Katie-who-could-never-truly-help-anyone. Those bits of Him overwhelm the selfish Katie. And the tired Katie. And the impatient Katie. And the inadequate Katie.
He fills even more of me, and I'm experiencing the amazing privilege of watching some of Him touch people around me in the most inexplicable ways. Even though all I do in the nursing homes is sing words they've heard a thousand times through the decades. Even though at work, all I talk about are grammar rules and which button to click where and what issue on which report is compliant with that gas station or cell phone carrier or home improvement store's standards. Such un-glorious conversation... and somehow I make them feel encouraged?
Yeah. That is Him. No doubt about it.
The reality is simply this:
It is not our effort that helps people. It is not our wisdom or words that encourage them. It is not our love that touches them.
It is Him. All Him.
When He touches them, they feel it, even if they don't yet know what they're feeling.
Do you know people who need Him? Stop trying to reach them. Stop trying to teach them. Stop trying to think of things that will "get through to them." No matter how good our intentions, it's still us. And we are so very nothing compared to Him.
Instead, keep seeking Him for yourself, and ask Him to do whatever's necessary to overwhelm you until you are scooted out of the way and He takes over. Touching others through you will be the natural result!
Are you willing? Do you love your lost friends and family enough to ask God to do whatever is necessary to take over you?